Chronic Medication vs Willpower

THE HIGHS

When I first started with my antidepressant tablets as well as my 6-week trial period, the effects of the medication was instant.

Whenever I would feel my emotions dip, it was almost like someone came along and flipped my heart switch off, but only long enough for my body to realize that all of a sudden, every emotion manifesting inside of me had come to a complete standstill. My entire being just seemed to pause itself before the switch was turned on again and, somehow, I wasn’t dipping anymore, but rather, remained on a steady climb.

THE LOWS

Once your body gets use to this effect, it kind of adjusts itself and then like bacteria, grows to overcome and withstand this foreign entity. I wouldn’t say that it stops working, personally, but rather, that when your emotions do dip, the climb out of the pit is slightly harder than when you first began and the fight becomes your own again.

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I’ve been struggling with a very emotional situation recently and find myself often being pulled down beneath the current. Daily motivation is an ever-constant scenery for me and the willpower to keep getting up is still as strong as ever, but it doesn’t mean that the emptiness and darkness doesn’t still find a way to sit on top of your chest, just to remind you that you still have an ongoing battle ahead of you.

For me, the hardest part of dealing with depression is that I can constantly feel the tug-of-war between my head and my heart.

My head tells me that I can’t do this anymore and that things are too hard. Heck! It even tells me that my bed is waiting for me and screams marshmallow-cloud-comfy, it tells me that I am not hungry and that I’d benefit more if I just closed my eyes, just for a little.

But my heart; my heart is the warrior and with every beat I can hear it scream that I am stronger than this, that I can push through the cloud. It tells me to get up and move, to exercise and to focus, and this, this is my motivation.

ü  Continuing to take my medication (until I am completely off them),

ü  Updating this blog,

ü  Pushing myself to focus on what’s currently in front of me instead of what’s behind me,

ü  Taking a steady breath before responding incorrectly,

ü  Fighting to do my exercise routine and,

ü  Leaving the excuses behind when it’s time for meditation,

These are all the ways that I am pulling myself together and its little steps like this, that I find, seem to calm down the chaos and the storm, without having to turn to my other medication. This keeps me motivated in knowing that I am strong enough to reach my end goal!

What’s your motivation technique?

ISOLATION

NOUN:

The process or fact of isolating or being isolated: “isolation from family and friends”

The separation of a nation from other nations by isolationism

Sociology: Social Isolation

Walking a path hand-in-hand with both depression and anxiety means that you get to experience the highest of highs as well as the lowest of lows. How does that saying go, “Life is a roller coaster, enjoy the ride.”

Everybody is different when it comes to dealing with self-love and healing, and that is the beauty to find within each experience. Where one thing will work for you, it could have a totally opposite effect on someone else. There is no right or wrong way to understand, grow, begin, strive, overcome and embrace depression and anxiety. You need to accept the situation for what it is, in your own way, with your own strengths and likes, you need to find your pull.

Mine?

Isolation.

ANXIETY FEELS LIKE...

Since 05 February 2018, I have not seen any of my friends nor have I reached out to any of my family. I have deactivated my social media account from Facebook and though I remain on Instagram, I find that it has turned into more of a motivational media account than a personal account, as the amount of people who strive to achieve the best within their lives and for themselves is pretty awesome to follow.

Remember what I said, not everything works the same way for everyone.

Doctors, Specialists, even Google tell you that isolation is not a good sign as it turns out to be the “exact opposite of what a person needs”. But do you agree with this?

What have I learnt through my isolation:

ü  The pressure of what others had expected from me in the sense of having me show-up for events, catching up with my everyday life, making light conversation and just being present started to fade away.

It’s a suffocating feeling for me when someone wanted to see me; I would think about the things we would talk about, how they would ridicule me, judge me or if it wasn’t that, it was the pure exhaustion I felt at just the thought of having to catch someone up on my life.

Through isolation, I have learnt not to let pressure attach itself to me and to remind myself that I am in control. Expectations that I needed to live up to and honour fell away, as I started to realize that the only person who should be expecting anything from me, is… well, me.

ü  I don’t have anyone to answer to, except myself.

Let’s not be subtle here when I say that my house has felt the neglect my body has been going through and it is a complete and utter mess. Usually the stress of having to ensure that every item is cleaned before I get a verbal lashing from my parent (and Landlord) is high. Now – I lock myself away and when I feel slight motivation just touch my shoulder lightly, I grab onto it like a starved fish to a hook and I do what I can.

Remember my previous post? You can only do as much as you can, and that is enough.

Little by little, my house is starting to look like a house again.

ü  I’ve spent more time with me.

It’s the most obvious one and yet, maybe something that others don’t get to experience on their own journeys. Everyone is different, but for me, I’ve been so bored that I have started to rediscover the little things I enjoy.  I’ve started colouring again, doing my yoga, exercising, writing, walking, meditating, engaging with my animals again and even, reading.

Just by spending a couple of hours focusing on one small thing I enjoy, has also…

ü  … made me feel more motivated.

When you’re depressed or anxious and going through an isolation stage, especially at the beginning, the best way to explain it is by imagining your entire body has been dropped into a beer brewing fermenter. Your whole body gets heavy, you can’t move, you can’t breathe and you merrily sink to the bottom.

You just need to keep moving. Keep doing the routine or habits of your everyday life. Kept it simple and stick to what you know! Remember that you don’t need to face the entire day all at once – begin by thinking about and just tackling the morning thought of getting up, dressed, maybe have breakfast… the rest will follow.

By starting small, the little joys from my past have crept into my life again and in these small specs, motivation is found.

üI am free from drama.

Those who know me, know my loathing for drama on a good, strong day and how I respond to bad-mouthing and gossip. Though my friends know me well enough to know I don’t enjoy these things and they have learnt to steer clear of such topics when around me, it doesn’t mean that the outside world still won’t try to knock you down when you’re locked away.

Recently I experienced a situation where an outside source took a personal failure of mine and wanted to make it public for no reason other than to hurt me. Drama will always follow you - It’s like a sticky honey coated feather.

I felt a rise of anger that I didn’t think I was capable of generating, as my soul, emotions, being had been so still for so long. It was like a hot flame licking at my open wounds and with each touch, I realized I was feeling again.

Feeling is a good thing. It means you’re human. It means that you’re alive and it means that you can control it.

The logical thought that followed was that: I don’t deserve to upset myself and put myself down when others are out there trying to do that to and for me. I know my truths and I know myself, and that is the most important thing.

I know that with isolation you need to eventually put your best foot forward and take the plunge into the crowd of spectators, just the same as when you start medication to fix something, you eventually ween yourself off of it. There are great sites out there to help you step back into your community without any strain and the great thing is, you can go at your own pace and you can start when you feel strong within yourself.

Building yourself up first to be a stronger version than what you were when you first fell into isolation is key, I believe, and once you have this self-love and self-strength, everyday life seems just a little easier to conquer.

Love yourself, then love the world.

Packing & Preparation

I remember when I first started to get familiar with the idea that Major Depression Disorder and Anxiety Attacks had found me. It’s kind of like having an unplanned baby and not being prepared to carry a baby-bag around with you.

You need to learn to pack.

It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But when you first get diagnosed (depending on the severity of the diagnoses), doctors love this little thing called Medication and medication comes in more than just one tablet form.

For me, my medication is:

-      Two antidepressant tablets that also work against anxiety: Daily

-      A pack of strong anxiety/ calming tranquilisers: As and when needed

-      An asthma pump: For when I forget to pack my bag and don’t have my anxiety/ calming tranquilisers with me

The asthma pump was recommended to me by my doctor as a back-up in case I don’t have any medication with me. I have a small compartment in my bag that this is secured into and anyone that I am with will be told about it instantly, as sometimes, I cannot help myself due to collapsing from an attack.

What is an anxiety attack?

For those of you who don’t know, a simple and most common way of explaining this is:

“Flushing, sweating, sore chest, pounding heart rate: You might think you’re having a heart attack…”

This experience can start completely unannounced and only last a couple of minutes, but when you’re alone or even with people who don’t know how to calm you down, this feeling really makes one aware of what it would be like to suffocate and can, definitely, feel longer than just a couple of minutes.

Some additional symptoms to help you distinguish the difference between a Panic Attack and an Anxiety Attack are:

1.   Feeling overwhelming fear,

2.   Feeling crazy or like you’re losing control

3.   Feeling like you’re in grave danger

4.   Feeling like you might pass out

5.   A surge of doom & gloom

6.   An urgency to escape

7.   Dizziness

8.   Heart Palpitations

9.   Trembling

10. Sweating

11.Shortness of breath

12.Chest Pressure Pain

13.Turning pale

14. Feeling detached from reality

15. Burning skin

16. Pins and Needles

17. Hot and Cold flushes

18. Numbness and tingling sensations

I am not a very big fan of medication and especially not antidepressants because I have seen what they have done to people, and from what was seen, the results weren’t really encouraging. This is the reason why, when I can, I try to steer clear of needing to take my tranquilisers or my asthma pump and try something more… natural.

So, when I feel an Anxiety Attack start to rise within my gut and I can feel my mind slip off into an Underland of questions that cannot be answered, I have a file saved on my phone called: SOS.

Inside this file are two apps that are designed for people who suffer from anxiety and for people who want to concentrate on meditation and centering themselves. Yes, yes, I know – I was also skeptical of this, but after doing some research, I decided that I needed to make up my own mind and downloaded these apps. What a blessing!

NUMBER ONE:     Atmosphere: Relaxing Sounds

ATMOSPHERE V2.11

This app creates your perfect atmosphere in ANY situation and what I love about this the most is that you can select more than one of your comforting sounds to play, at the same time! It uses binaural beats and isochronic tones that stimulate your mind, reduces stress and stimulates creativity.

The first time I used this app, I could feel the stress rise and then before a full-blown attack could happen, I put my headphones on and turned the sounds up that I know calm me down the most (rain, the wind, water running). I was a sceptic, like I said, but I went from the beginning stages of freaking out to, all of a sudden, waking myself up to my head “catching flies”.

This app really worked! If I can’t sleep at night, I often tune into this app and I can feel my mind & body instantly melt into mush, and a calm rush through me.

You must try this!

Atmospheres that you can select from are: Beach, Forest, City, Home, Underwater, Park, Countryside and Oriental and as I mentioned before, you can play ANY number of sounds from ANY atmosphere, at the same time.

NUMBER TWO:    Meditation & Relaxation: Guided Meditation

MEDITATION 

This app allows you to learn to meditate, relax and centre yourself, to focus easily, sleep better and to live an overall happy life. The thing to love about this app is how sleek and simple it is to use with a very appealing clean look about it.

This app is in my file called SOS, because other than the many Programs and Single Sessions it offers to you, it also has an emergency SOS Calm meditation that you can select when you are out and it will talk you through your process until you are stable again.

The Medication Programs that can be found on this app are:

-      7 Days to Meditation for Beginners

-      14 Day Advanced Meditation

-      7 Days to Stress Release

-      7 Days to Focus

-      7 Days to Better Sleep

-      7 Days to Self-esteem

-      7 Days to Happiness

And the ones I love the most, are the Single Sessions, which offer a bit more of a personal touch:

-      Sleeping Better

-      Concentration & Focus

-      Loving Yourself & Others

-      Forgiveness

-      Calm

-      Body Scans

Finally,

…someone once taught me the phrase: “You do you” and with that in mind, you need to know that not everything works for everyone. You need to find what works best for you and you need to start. Once you start to focus on what makes you healthier, stable and ready to live to fight, then no one and nothing can keep down for long!

Alive & Living

I’vedecided to create a blog that can be used as a space for learning, developing,understanding and supporting those who suffer from extreme anxiety attacks, MajorDepressive Disorder and PTSD.

I’vealso created this blog for my own personal-selfish-gain, as motivation can onlyreally be accepted when it can be seen and for me, seeing myself progress ismotivation.

Iam a soon to turn 32-year-old who will cut straight to the chase on any topic,always be truthful because what’s the point of lying (no, really?), who likesher isolation and is trying her best to live instead of just being alive.

Thecards that life dealt toward me in my mid-to-late 20’s is the reason Isometimes feel like I am not a part of this world or perhaps, why I experience depressionand anxiety to the point of being diagnosed with the extreme version of this.Some people that partake in my everyday life don’t even realize the strugglethat I deal with on a daily basis and the ones who do know about my struggle,fall into two categories: They have already been diagnosed with their own formof depression/ anxiety or they tell me to pull my socks up and carry on movingforward.

Iremember when I use to be like the latter; always going around to people whowould sulk and look so down in the dumps,tell them to keep their chin up and to keep looking forward. “You can’tmake a difference if you don’t try”, “It’s your own fault you feel like this,only you can change it.” Ah – how uneducated I was.

Idon’t think that I will ever be able to approach another person who I know hasor is experiencing anxiety or depression (on any level) with that kind ofmindset again. If you are one of these people, I urge you to stop and thinkbefore you release a storm that you may not even see brewing in the cloudsabove said persons head.

My post started withme saying that I prefer honesty and so, in keeping to true form, let’s behonest:

Anotherpost may explain how I first started to feel and think when the anxiety startedto creep in and consume me, how the feeling got stronger and stronger, and how,eventually, I felt like I was drowning in an ocean too deep and too dark foranyone to find me or to save me. It was one of the most terrifying andloneliest feelings for anyone to have to experience.

Manymonths after being diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder and after findingan anti-depressant that worked after weeks of trial-session hell, I had foundmyself in the same dark mindset, with the same haunting questions in the middleof the night and I sat there awake, not crying, but fighting.

Iwas fighting to stay alive.

Inmy hand was the sharpest item I could find and I was squeezing it with all ofmy physical might begging my emotions to not get the better of me. It was oneof the hardest fights I ever had to face and that night, I won.

Whenthe next morning came, I phoned my doctor for an emergency meeting and told mymom she was to come with me. Sitting in the doctor’s room, I had nothing leftinside of me to pretend that I was fine or that the night before was not a hardone, and I collapsed into a snotty mess of hot tears. I told my doctor that Ihad been thinking of suicide non-stop for some time and to the point where Iwould research ways and levels of pain online. I had started to write mygoodbye letters to the people closest to me and I just didn’t want to be onthis earth anymore.

Sjoe.That’s a pretty big something to have to read after typing it out.

Why amI telling you this story?

Because,it was in that doctor’s room that I was taught about the levels of depression.

Inmy case, the chemicals within my body had become unbalanced and the medicationwhich should have been working as both an anxiety & depressant, was workingas more of an anxiety tablet than an antidepressant due to this imbalance.

Whatdid this mean for me?

Thismeant that when people came up to me and told me to Pull myself towards myself, I was mentally and emotionally unableto do so.  This is why I say what I saidabove. You can’t just go up to someone you know or love and tell them to “sortthemselves out” because the hard reality is, Depression is not a boy shoutingwolf, it is a wolf in the darkest shade of wolf clothing and sometimes, wolvescannot be tamed.

Mybody had lost its path to sane thoughts and instead of being able to prioritiseand lift myself out of the situation, the chemical that would take over would controlme physically in the sense of: When I started to feel upset, I would getdepressed and then I would instantly get tired and not be hungry. My body wouldgo into survival mode (as they call it) and I had no control over it.

Whatcan be done about anxiety and depression?

Asa girl who isn’t fond of medication or antidepressants (especially after6-weeks of hell on earth (not kidding)), I know that I need to be on them fornow until a balance within myself is sought, but this cannot be the only way.

I’verecently met with a great Psychiatrist who does analyzations on his patientsand works out a plan that benefits them by uplifting them to who they werebefore, he assists them in dealing with PTSD by securing counselling sessionswith like-minded Psychologists and eventually, you’re taken off the medicationand left to fend for oneself in the wild.

I am so lookingforward to that day!

Butfor now, my baby steps are dealing with one day at a time and findingmotivation again in something that brought me out of my depression in the past:Exercise.

Theone thing this journey has taught me is that you can only do as much as you can, and that is enough.

Therefore,in trying to look after myself so I can breathe the air of freedom andhopefully feel like a human again, I have now started with my exercise routineagain which includes meditation, yoga and physical fitness.

Here's to my Journey